Friday, September 03, 2010

"Expendables" (2010) - movie review

Man, what a boring snooze factory this turned out to be! A few decent fights, a couple CG exploding people/gun blasts (nothing compared to the last Rambo flick) and one short, cool part with a M.A.S.K. type airplane and that was really about it. Color me disappointed!

Tons of, Stallone acting (I didn't sign up to watch Copland again!) and a plodding, paint by numbers plot which was hard to follow as simple as it was because Stallone's bizarro-esque plastic surgery face and weird facial hair was so distracting it was impossible to take him seriously. He must have had more work done since that last Rambo movie (which I totally loved, and was hoping this would follow in the footsteps of) because I didn't notice it half as much in that flick. How can I properly suspend my disbelief into thinking Mickey Rourke and Stallone are these super bad ass merc guys when their ridiculous plastic surgery faces keeps reminding you with every shot that they're closer to vain, insecure, sheet thread counting, personal chef havin', pampered Hollywood weirdos than machine gun toting, ice cold bad guy killin', globe trottin' black ops asskickers.

Jet Li didn't really get to do anything except one cool stand out fight with Dolph Lundgren (who was actually the best performance in the movie believe it or not!) and a couple other quick fist fights. His action scenes were the stand outs, but they were sadly short and subdued.

Even the end battle involved more footage of the team running around a set sticking bombs that looked like LED lights to the walls than actual fighting. I guess I thought this thing was going to be super over the top, and except for the star power, it almost felt like a modern direct to DVD action flick. Where were Segal and DMX?

Oh yeah, also, the lispy dude from Dexter, Steve Austin and Eric Roberts as the heavies didn't work either. I was especially bummed at Stone Cold's demise, a CG firewalk! Oh sin of sins! Minus a whole oscar for that. There's just no excuse!

While elements of both genres were present, Expendables wasn't able to come anywhere close to capturing the fun, over the top feel of a real 80s action flick or the frenetic craziness of a vintage HK gun-fu movie, and instead came off as less than either of those, a very half hearted cameo train and vanity film for Stallone.
The whole picture has this weird affected vibe that especially stuck out whenever all the "Expendables" were in scenes together. It's hard to put my finger on exactly what caused it, but it always felt like a bunch of actors goofing around together and having a party, and rarely started to feel like an actual movie. I was hoping that the cheez ball ending would at least give us C.H.i.Ps style laughing freeze frame credits, but after a total set up for it they even screwed us on that! All in all, I'm sorry to say, boring boring boring. Machete, take me away!

4 out of 10 fucking Oscars

now playing -The Budos Band "Budos Band III"


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